I help co-facilitate a support group for women and one of this week’s discussions got me thinking about self-gratification or validation. In our group, one of the women has come SO far in the past few months. After being beaten and demoralized for virtually her entire life, she’s finally regaining her self-confidence and figuring out who she is and what she wants. She even decided maybe it was time — after years of being single — to wade back into the dating pool. She went on a date last week and the guy seemed super nice. He pulled out her chair … told her she was beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to hear that?? They went back to her house and he tried to move things along too quickly for her comfort level. She said no and he didn’t understand boundaries — saying awful things to her and getting physical with her.
That situation has left this smart, funny, talented women depressed for the last four days. It brought back all the negative feelings that she had been trying so hard to overcome. Our group analyzed the situation and helped her realize that while she has made progress, she’s not totally healed yet. She doesn’t completely believe that she deserves more than an abusive relationship. She’s not convinced that she’ll fall in love with some great guy some day and get married. This one, random guy was able to raise her self-perception so high … and just as easily send it crashing. Going forward, she is going to work on healing herself and realizing that she is a good person and people are fortunate to have her in their lives.
That got me thinking about validation from others. There’s a book about love languages and one of the languages is words of affirmation. You want to hear people tell you how nice you look … how good a job you’re doing … how delicious that meal was. Words of praise are important. But, at what point does the need to be praised go too far? Do you think that you’re a good wife — or do you need someone to tell you so? Are you a good friend — or does someone always need to be reminding you?
At work, do you need someone to constantly be singing your praises? Or, do you know that you’re good at what you do? Even where I work, there are some people who constantly need to hear how great they are. Why are people so reliant on what others think about them? Maybe if people spent more time trying to understand themselves and how they fit into the puzzle — and less time focused on how other people perceive them — we’d end up with a world of stronger, more self-assured people. And, certainly that would be good for everyone.
Just some food for thought …
